Over a year ago, I wrote an article on introverted leadership. Much to my surprise, many people wrote and affirmed the sentiments I expressed. Many of them were introverts who felt misunderstood and often relegated to lesser opportunities because of their reticent personalities.
I understand. I am an introvert.
In the article, I offered some suggestions to introverted leaders to help us navigate what we perceive to be a noisy and energy-draining world. Now I want to address those who are not introverts. You are the people who have to work with us, live with us, and interact with us. Perhaps you even get frustrated with us. And while we introverts can certainly do more on our part, I hope these eight statements will help you understand us a little bit better.
- Our aversion to small talk can make us appear rude. Okay, maybe we are rude. When someone asks us how we are doing, we really don’t believe most people want to know how we are doing. If someone tells us that they are so glad to see us, we have our doubts. As a result, our responses are often not warm or chatty.
- We value close friendships. We may do poorly connecting to tons of people, but we connect well to those we consider close friends. Indeed we tend to be extremely loyal. We introverts often process relationships mentally and emotionally. If we find a loyal friend, we treasure the relationship as a precious gift. If we perceive someone uses us or is disloyal to us, we struggle greatly with that person. Indeed some would say we have an “off switch” for those persons.
- We like to have a reason to talk. Some people are surprised to discover certain people are introverts because they have witnessed the introvert engaged in a lively conversation. When an introvert is truly engaged, he or she is talking about something that evokes his or her passion. It is a fallacy to say introverts don’t like to talk. We just like to have a meaningful purpose to our conversations.
- Meetings and public interaction don’t really bother us; long meetings and long public interaction do. Think of an introvert as an automobile with a tank of fuel. The longer we are in meetings or similar settings, the more fuel is depleted. At some point we run out of fuel and become almost non-functional. We can only get refueled and refreshed by moving to a more private setting.
- Don’t assume we introverts don’t like to have fun. Most of us do have fun. We typically enjoy cutting up with people we know and trust. And our idea of a fun place for relaxation or vacation is typically a quiet and out-of-the-way spot. I must admit that my love for college football is an exception to this pattern.
- We are not always quick to speak. Sometimes our reticence can make us look thoughtful; at other times we may appear to be clueless. We are often processing information and the environment of the moment. We tend to be especially aware of the feelings of others who may be present.
- We like written communication. We often tune out long-winded explanations and reports. Countless times in my life I have said, “Let me see that in writing.” That gives me the time to process the information and reflect upon it. By the way, we introverts really do like written affirmation in cards, letters, and emails. That tends to be one of our love languages.
- You can’t fix us introverts. Our introversion is not a disease that needs a cure. For the most part, we like our personalities and have no desire to be like the extrovert. Spouses who try to change introverts into extroverts have an uphill battle and a likely conflicted marriage.
Of course, all of this information is the perspective of an introvert to the rest of the world. I do not mean to imply that everyone should adjust to us. We have to make our own adjustments to communicate and function in this world.
Are you an introvert? Do you have to work or live with introverts? What do you think of my eight insights?
You nailed it with this blog! I am already emailing some of my friends and co-workers so they can see a perfect description of me.
From one introvert to another: thank you!
Dr. Rainer,
Thanks for the thoughts. I am a pretty well-defined INTJ who started a fundraising coaching firm two years ago with a college friend who is an ISFJ. I have found that the Thinking vs. Feeling trait is more pronounced than the Introvert vs. Extrovert trait. I’m curious about whether you are T or F and if you find this trait showing up more than you think. My business partner is naturally an Introvert, but his Feeling trait drives him to connect with people, sympathize with them, and communicate effectively. However, as a fellow Introvert, my Thinking trait puts me square in the categories you describe above. Thanks again for sharing.
Thom, I am married to an introvert and one of my closest friends is an introver. Thank you for the “gentle” reminder. Joey
It’s scary how well you know me! Even the College Football exception! lol
Thank you for this! It will help me and those who work with me!
Thanks for so clearly expressing the things that those who work with me need to understand. I’ve never been able to voice it so eloquently.
Thanks Emily. I hope your friends and co-workers appreciate you even more!
Kiley -
I am an INTJ. You are likely on to something in differentiating introverts. I appreciate your insights. You have me thinking even more!
Joey -
Thanks for the comment. Good to hear from you friend.
RK -
Even college football huh? I need to pray for you!
Sandee -
Glad to help in some small way. Thanks for the comment.
You totally nailed it, I thought you were describing me
Love the blog, a real blessing, thanks.
IH -
Thank you very much!
You got it right Dr. Rainer! I might add that introverts gain energy in our time alone in contemplative time or alone. Interaction with others especially in a crowd tends to drain the introvert. On the other hand, extroverts tend to gain energy from a group or crowd of people.
Thanks Tom. Good input and add to the blog.
Thank you! I have been a pastor for 23 years and my introversion has been a hindrance often by being misunderstood. I came to several of the same conclusions and helps you have, but you added a few good ones.
These were very helpful! I forwarded both articles to some key people in my life.
Thank you Ron. I am humbled that I made a contribution to your life.
Wow, that describes me so exactly. It was a nice feeling to have someone “get it” and explain it in such great terms. Thank you!
Yes; yes; yes. I am an introvert and this is exactly how I feel, act, respond, etc. One thing I hear consistently, even from my own family members who have known me for years, is this: “You’re so serious all the time; why don’t you relax and enjoy life more?” I honestly don’t know why they ask this and/or how they expect me to respond. These are people who have seen me laugh and genuinely enjoy life at times. Anyone else deal with this??
I agrer with kiley. It seems as though it could be a t vs. f distinction.
I am an introverted female pastor. Triple wammy. I agree with much of what you said, although for me, there are nuances to how I engage with the length of meetings. As long as I know the purpose for the meeting, and I can see that it is progressing in that direction, the length of time in a meeting doesn’t matter. There have been many times in which I’ve seen my extroverted colleagues fidget more; rather than being drained per se, their energy forces a need to “escape” as soon as the meeting begins to wind down.
For me, worse is a short meeting from which I leave feeling like nothing has been accomplished. I then have to further “extrovert myself” to find out the info I need in order to do my job. That’s not to say that I’m only task-oriented: It’s helpful for me to know if a brainstorming/dreaming meeting is such, versus a planning-for-this-week, versus trouble-shooting a particular issue that has arisen, versus a “How’re we all doing, for real?” meeting. I am able to then prepare and process my introverted expectations for the appropriate setting.
We need more recognition and understanding. Thank you. There is a great book called The Introvert Advantage that I found very empowering. We may only make up about 25% of the population, but then, rubies wouldn’t be worth so much if you could find them on every corner would they?
A must “must read,” and then re-read again at different times in your life, is Spirit-Controlled Temperament by Dr. Tim LaHaye.
THANK YOU so very much for sharing this! It is encouraging and brings a sense of freedom to really be who I was created to be…and ACCEPT it! I know from the inner most part of my being that God, my Heavenly Father loves me and understands me but so much of the time I have not loved or accepted me. I will be reading more on this…thank you!
Can I add one? See if this resonates.
As introverts we are surprised at how much we desire to be around other people. We do desire to have friends in our homes. When we have many friends gathered at our home our first inclination is to find a corner, sit and watch and enjoy the activity, without speaking a word. Usually we don’t do that because, after all, this is at our home so we find things to do to serve our friends rather than engage in conversation. With so many people milling around deep conversations are hard to sustain. So we make ourselves busy so we don’t have to engage in small talk and answer the question, “What have you been up to?”. We man the barbecue or clean up after our guests. This busy service masks our lack of wanting to small-talk with the others we invited to our home. Introverts love irony.
I agrer with kiley. It seems as though it could be a t vs. f distinction.
Wow. Nailed it! Especially the written communication part! When there’s a confrontation of sorts between my husband and I, I REALLY prefer to write it out and for him as well. It’s SO hard for me to “think on demand”, if you will, and get across what I’m trying to say the way I mean it. Did you follow that? Ha.
a little refresher.
This is a great article! Sending it to my husband, because he still has a hard time understanding me after 10 years…
Thanks!
Thank you for this understanding article! You described both my husband and I! And by God’s grace, we’ve been married for 36 years. As a retired Navy Chief, I was told over the years that it would not be possible to be “me” and lead as an introvert. I believe that through abiding in Christ, that was proved incorrect. I truly hope and pray that others become acquainted with your book and articles to understand and appreciate the strengths of introverts. I have a ton of weaknesses, but it’s nice to be encouraged now and then
This post is excellent. Kudos.
AMEN.. needed to be said,but I am about 3 notches to the left.. a bit on the extreme side. and it has been a hard path to walk. Anyone for an introvert club? it would be nice and quiet for most of the time.
hit the nail on the head! also, pretty sure college football is a love language as well
Go Dawgs!
I am an introvert (INTJ). And, I have 3 children who are introverts at varying points on the scale. One thing that I’ve noticed lately is that introverts, because they need to think before they talk will often lose the opportunity to add to a conversation. The extroverts, rather than giving the introvert a little time will jump in and sqelch the introvert and the introvert loses the opportunity to contribute and the group loses the contribution that an introvert could have made.
As I read these, I could not keep the tears from falling from my eyes. I have always thought something was wrong with me in how I am with people, why I always felt drained after being in a crowd, or even painfully shy sometimes in a crowded room.
I guess the big one is processing. I didn’t understand it but for years, it seemed that while in a discussion with someone they would give me this look, “are you not tracking what I am saying,” when all the while I was thinking what they had said. Or I tell people close to me that it just takes me more time to process things, and I get, “oh no you dont your smarter than that.”
I am still processing what you wrote here and am thankful that this may have opened up a new life in the Lord for me in seeing myself, maybe for the first time.
I think this article hits home for me. I’ve scored 98% introverted on an ocean test and it isn’t that I can’t participate in the “party” or even be the life of the party at times but when I am it’s usually in a smaller group or a group of trusted friends. Although I have to throw in my two cents and say that I don’t think written affirmation is the tendency of an introvert’s love language but it is definitely one of the few options. I think introverts are, to make a more basic assumption, more often limited to non-oral love languages. (I.E. acts of service, physical contact, and written affirmation)
holy smokes … that’s me.
Me too!
Thanks Thom for your insights. I am amazed whenever a Christian spouse says that God won’t be able to use him/her unless the spouse becomes more extroveted. I also appreciated your mention of the dark side of these characteristics…whether introverted or extroverted we can hide there instead of being in true intimate relationship.
Thank you Linda.
My favorite line:
“Our introversion is not a disease that needs a cure. For the most part, we like our personalities and have no desire to be like the extrovert. ”
I’ve always found it interesting that people will say, “Well, it’s just something you have to get over.” I’ve been told by some that introverts can’t be good pastors. In my experiences, the men whom I consider the wisest and most loving shepherds to their flocks have been introverted.
At Catalyst last October someone spoke on leading introverts and a light bulb went on…my 3 1/2 year old daughter is an introvert! That’s why this extremely extroverted dad can’t figure her out!!!!
I appreciate this. You are helping a father understand his daughter from an early age and I pray it helps our relationship for years to come. Ultimately I hope my relationship with her reflects God’s fatherly love so you are providing quite a service here. Thanks!