It’s somewhat surprising that the media is making a fuss about the David Petraeus and Paula Broadwell affair. After all, adultery is normative according to most media standards. This time, however, there is the potential damage of compromising highly sensitive security information. And there are the unanswered questions of “Who knew?” and “When did they know?”
But the spectacle does raise the question: What is the impact on a leader and his or her leadership when he or she is involved in an affair? I have been disgusted as I heard different pundits attempt to answer this question.
It’s Not a Private Matter
The typical perspective regurgitated about the Petraeus and Broadwell affair is that, outside of the security concerns, it’s really no big deal. After all, it is argued, this relationship is a private matter between two consenting adults.
That’s garbage.
It is not a private matter. Their two spouses are undoubtedly wounded and humiliated. Children are innocent victims who try to grasp with the strains and perhaps destruction of the secure world they knew when all was well with their parents. Other family and friends are hurt as well.
One television commentator this week cheered the actions of adulterous men, celebrating their testosterone levels and manhood. One is left to wonder if he would cheer similar actions of his own wife, and celebrate her own hormonal drives and femininity with other men.
It’s Not Endemic to All Great Leaders
I have heard more than one pundit opine that uncontrolled sex drives are just part of the nature of great leaders. They have such a great drive, we are told, that it is only natural that such drives include unfettered desires for sexual conquests. I even heard a commentator cite adultery as a common characteristic of our great American presidents. The more anemic presidents tended to be those who were faithful to their wives.
Adultery is not a sign of strength. It is a sign of weakness. Adultery is not an indicator of healthy adulthood. It’s an indicator of juvenile behavior. Adultery is not a sign of self-controlled leaders. It’s a sign of out-of-control leaders. Adultery is not the badge of great leadership. It’s the badge of failed leadership.
It’s Not a Matter of Triumph
Ultimately adultery is not a matter of triumph; it’s a matter of failed trust. An adulterous man or woman once stood before God and human witnesses and pledged his or her lifelong commitment to another person. Indeed he or she entered the sanctity of marriage as a promise that neither would ever break trust with the other.
Adultery is failed trust; it is therefore failed leadership. How can we trust a leader who failed to keep trust with the person to whom he or she has devoted his or her life? How can we believe what that leader says when he has deceived and lied to the person who is supposed to be closest to him?
Don’t read me wrongly. Adultery is not unforgivable. I am reminded of an adulterous woman about to be stoned to death only to see her life spared. There was no one around without sin to cast the first stone except Jesus. And He showed grace.
But please don’t take adultery as lightly and with such frivolity as much of the media and society. The breach of trust is indeed forgivable. But the consequences are deep and far reaching. Great leaders keep trust at all levels: in their friendships; in their business dealings; in their organizations and, above all, in their marriages.
Well said.
Discipline is a critical component to any leader’s life and especially to those who hold great power. The failure to implement strong levels of accountability is the recipe for ruin.
Amen, Dr. Rainer. Thank’s for this public stand. We appear to be squarely in the day Paul alluded to in 2 Timothy 3:13 when describing the last days, “evil people and impostors will become worse, deceiving and being deceived.” Then he urges Timothy to keep believing the Scriptures from which he was instructed. Our society has turned away from the Bible and it’s easy to see the effect; we’re heading toward hedonism.
This is a great post, Thom. I couldn’t agree with you more.
The sad thing is that I saw these kinds of media comments on FOX the other night. I couldn’t believe my ears. And then, Pat Robertson appeared to be excusing it. See here: http://mhyatt.us/TGLMj1
It’s one thing to get this from the liberal media. But from conservative and Christian media? Sadly, this reveals what is really wrong with our country. I’m afraid, we’re in the middle of a moral collapse.
I agree wholeheartedly it isn’t a private matter. In this whole scenario however, it isn’t the primary matter either. The primary matter is why innocent Americans lost their lives, and why we were told initially that a terrorist attack was instead a reaction to some kind of obscure video.
Great post and 100% true. There should be a difference between the character of a Christian and the character of a non Christian.
Michael -
I too am totally frustrated with much of the conservative and Christian response on this matter. I really was having to check my hearing on some of the comments I heard. Sad. Sad indeed.
But it is good to hear from you. Hope all is well.
Well said and absolutely true! As a former serial adulterer, I can vouch for the fact that you cannot dissect the professional and private worlds. What happens in one does affect the other. If Mr. Petraeus was hiding this, what else is he hiding? And at this level the damaging ripple effect extends well beyond families; to the point of national security! Sin is never solo – someone else is always impacted. Thanks for your post!
I couldn’t agree more, Tom.
For me, if a man or a woman violates (and subsequently attempts to hide the sin) the most sacred relationship he/she has in this world, that person cannot be fully trusted upon again. All trust and leadership capacity has been lost and, frankly, I don’t believe it can ever really be recaptured.
Proverbs 6:32,33 come to mind, which reads,
“The one who commits adultery with a woman is lacking sense; He who would destroy himself does it. Wounds and disgrace he will find, And his reproach will not be blotted out.”
Jason -
Thank you for your comments and for your transparency.
As a man and pastor that had an affair in 2005, I agree with this post 100%. So often in leadership we celebrate accomplishment more than character. Giftedness is easy to celebrate, character doesn’t get rewarded very often. Whenever giftedness outweighs character, implosion is on the horizon.
I failed as a leader. I failed as a pastor. I failed as a husband and father. I failed as a follower of Christ. By God’s amazing grace my marriage was restored and I was not only able to receive forgiveness but to re-earn trust. Forgiveness should be free, but trust always has to be earned.
Thank you Thom for this post.
Justin -
I pray that many will read your words. Your transparent comments are a testimony of the ravages of adultery and the grace of forgiveness and restoration.